It's really funny looking back at my previous blog which says: "I cried why worst cry...yet" because indeed, that was just the beginning.
APRIL - It simply unlocked the vulnerability which had been missing my entire life. It was always so hard for me to cry -- I really cannot literally shed a tear before, even during my father's burial. During my childhood, I was just at the top of my game and don't really feel the need to cry, or that I can simply bottle 'em all up and move forward. This year, I got so immersed with 13 Reasons Why where I totally related with Hannah Baker regarding her sadness and disappointments with the people who could have treated her better, and finally that one last pain to end it all - the bottle where all of my personal pain from not belonging, from being misunderstood and not taken seriously by my peers -- it was like it has been shaken so that tears and burdens can go out.
Those peers gave me my social trauma which is why I was so happy in the advocacy wherein everybody is just so nice to me and during the Earth Day, I cried again out of how surreal it feels to belong to somewhere, where I'm understood and where they share the same values.
MY BIRTHDAY TERM (APRIL - JUNE) + onwards - Spending hours of heart-to-heart midnight talks with my dormmates, opening up, and crying together. These deepened our friendship and helped us become better people by helping one another in our personal concerns, etc. So many dramas unfolded throughout the year but we are always together, as a family, as lovely goofy friends I can have breakfast/ mostly dinner with, go to groceries, and just basically trust my heart and life with.
AUGUST - This is definitely the lowest I had ever been - it was the darkest, driest, and the most isolated portion of my trench and of course, I will never want anything worse. It was so terrible that I suddenly became "attracted" to blades --I really mentally do not want to hurt myself but it's like Aurora wherein my arms wanted to be cut and shed blood. I love knives and cutters and the dangers they pose but I had to keep them out of my sight during this predicament.
#1 I cannot disclose detailed information for the protection of those involved, but the incident here opened the key to protecting my dignity and the people I care about. I badly didn't want to lose this person I care about just because of some misunderstanding + the incident was so bad that I was so scared just to be around that person's peers -- despite being so scared, I still went there with my hands shaking and crying the entire event. But after this incident, I had a long talk which I never had with anyone else and can definitely say that after this it's like my entire anxiety and depression went away!
#1 I cannot disclose detailed information for the protection of those involved, but the incident here opened the key to protecting my dignity and the people I care about. I badly didn't want to lose this person I care about just because of some misunderstanding + the incident was so bad that I was so scared just to be around that person's peers -- despite being so scared, I still went there with my hands shaking and crying the entire event. But after this incident, I had a long talk which I never had with anyone else and can definitely say that after this it's like my entire anxiety and depression went away!
#2 I cannot remember why I'm crying about this person but yeah, I was crying about him. He was one of the 3 reasons why I cried so badly this August.
#3 Another one of my self-crisis but this time, through the mirror, I looked at myself in the eye and just felt the connection I never used to have but something I definitely needed. Seeing how far I am now from the person my younger self had expected her to be is also good for this is the same struggle I used to be very perplexed with and cannot comprehend. Now, I can finally understand other people better and not be insensitive so that we can work together at our best selves.
SEPTEMBER - OCTOBER - Him.
His very late replies and seemingly uninterested responses for the past few months scared me. I missed how we used to be especially now where I felt so unwanted and approaching him was already so difficult for me. I was afraid to talk to him - so afraid that I had to pray it all up first just to emotionally prepare myself and I kept postponing the next day (so it ran for several days at least. But I had been planning it for weeks but never did asap.) so when he responded so kindly but with a mere "Oh, that's just how it is", I was dumbfounded and dug in.
It took so much from me just to talk to him. As to how I said it, I was "physically and emotionally tired" at past midnight then so I really wanted to relieve myself of all of the burden I was feeling. It was a mixture of liberation and "WHAT AM I DOING? How can I face him again?" inside me and pity because of the sudden burdens he received but I trusted him. He's the person who first messaged me to ask how I am during a past predicament and that's the insert his name I know. I reckoned that by the morning, he would be too surprised to reply so I let him off the hook. I told God I'll give him more than a week and if he still won't respond, I won't be expecting any response anymore.
And that's what happened.
I cried, every day for about two weeks, holding onto the bond we used to have, holding onto the person I knew and admired and feeling sorry for myself for he cannot be that to me, wondering how can he not reply at all --- ANYTHING. Looking back, I find it funny how April and August were considered as my worst cry ever when during this predicament, it was everyday, for weeks! Even when I did not want to: i.e. just being inside a moving vehicle made me cry immediately like what the heck?!! I wanna travel in peace! It was until I grew tired of crying. I've had enough.
Then emerged the Bea who knows what she wants and how she wants to be treated. She doesn't want to take anymore b.s. and if she won't let herself tolerate more than what's tolerable anymore. This may not mean that I'd just go around chasin' and confronting people when they had done wrong but at least recognizing what's acceptable and what's not. Most importantly, this predicament helped me specify what I want my significant other to be.
END OF OCTOBER - EARLY NOVEMBER - Father.
I had a 4-hour conversation with a "brother" I never met in person. I realized by then how I never talk about my father before and during the moment I told him the perspective I long had, he shared me the perspective I never saw since I never opened up to anyone about it.
DECEMBER - Brother.
This isn't really a bawl and is rather a simple fallen tear but I believe it should be here because it's one of the greatest burdens I ever had. Now that it has finally resolved, I now have an actual brother and partially a father in terms of passing down wisdom and experiences. God knows how I searched for a family -most especially a brother- to those who aren't related to me by blood which is why I have a lot of "brothers" and now I have him!
His very late replies and seemingly uninterested responses for the past few months scared me. I missed how we used to be especially now where I felt so unwanted and approaching him was already so difficult for me. I was afraid to talk to him - so afraid that I had to pray it all up first just to emotionally prepare myself and I kept postponing the next day (so it ran for several days at least. But I had been planning it for weeks but never did asap.) so when he responded so kindly but with a mere "Oh, that's just how it is", I was dumbfounded and dug in.
It took so much from me just to talk to him. As to how I said it, I was "physically and emotionally tired" at past midnight then so I really wanted to relieve myself of all of the burden I was feeling. It was a mixture of liberation and "WHAT AM I DOING? How can I face him again?" inside me and pity because of the sudden burdens he received but I trusted him. He's the person who first messaged me to ask how I am during a past predicament and that's the insert his name I know. I reckoned that by the morning, he would be too surprised to reply so I let him off the hook. I told God I'll give him more than a week and if he still won't respond, I won't be expecting any response anymore.
And that's what happened.
I cried, every day for about two weeks, holding onto the bond we used to have, holding onto the person I knew and admired and feeling sorry for myself for he cannot be that to me, wondering how can he not reply at all --- ANYTHING. Looking back, I find it funny how April and August were considered as my worst cry ever when during this predicament, it was everyday, for weeks! Even when I did not want to: i.e. just being inside a moving vehicle made me cry immediately like what the heck?!! I wanna travel in peace! It was until I grew tired of crying. I've had enough.
Then emerged the Bea who knows what she wants and how she wants to be treated. She doesn't want to take anymore b.s. and if she won't let herself tolerate more than what's tolerable anymore. This may not mean that I'd just go around chasin' and confronting people when they had done wrong but at least recognizing what's acceptable and what's not. Most importantly, this predicament helped me specify what I want my significant other to be.
END OF OCTOBER - EARLY NOVEMBER - Father.
I had a 4-hour conversation with a "brother" I never met in person. I realized by then how I never talk about my father before and during the moment I told him the perspective I long had, he shared me the perspective I never saw since I never opened up to anyone about it.
DECEMBER - Brother.
This isn't really a bawl and is rather a simple fallen tear but I believe it should be here because it's one of the greatest burdens I ever had. Now that it has finally resolved, I now have an actual brother and partially a father in terms of passing down wisdom and experiences. God knows how I searched for a family -most especially a brother- to those who aren't related to me by blood which is why I have a lot of "brothers" and now I have him!
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