FUN FACT

There are no requirements in order to be in a relationship.

You just gotta WANT TO BE WITH that person & CARE for him or her.*

You stand by him through thick or thin,

help him grow, not let him fall

but if he does, you'll be there supporting,

as a shoulder to rely on, with your arms to wrap around

as if it can stick the pieces back together.

It's "ideal", might sound "too magical",

but darling, it's love.

2017 also taught me that I have people to talk to re any predicaments I have so I'm lucky ❤

So that was just the first.

It's really funny looking back at my previous blog which says: "I cried why worst cry...yet" because indeed, that was just the beginning.

APRIL - It simply unlocked the vulnerability which had been missing my entire life. It was always so hard for me to cry -- I really cannot literally shed a tear before, even during my father's burial. During my childhood, I was just at the top of my game and don't really feel the need to cry, or that I can simply bottle 'em all up and move forward. This year, I got so immersed with 13 Reasons Why where I totally related with Hannah Baker regarding her sadness and disappointments with the people who could have treated her better, and finally that one last pain to end it all - the bottle where all of my personal pain from not belonging, from being misunderstood and not taken seriously by my peers -- it was like it has been shaken so that tears and burdens can go out.

Those peers gave me my social trauma which is why I was so happy in the advocacy wherein everybody is just so nice to me and during the Earth Day, I cried again out of how surreal it feels to belong to somewhere, where I'm understood and where they share the same values. 

It felt great because the heavy burden I had deep inside me is finally gone and it definitely unlocked my empathy and vulnerability. In between these months, I still cry about minor matters but I'll just mention Father's day (June 2017) which is the day I always feel my worst because of the bitterness of never experiencing what it's like to have a father. Now that I am an empath, I can literally feel the pain inside my heart and simply cry while the rest of the country is dedicating this day to their fathers. I still went out to go to church because I consider Our Father as the dad I always have -but it was so painful when the children in the mass dedicated a song to their "haligi ng tahanan"s. 

MY BIRTHDAY TERM (APRIL - JUNE) + onwards - Spending hours of heart-to-heart midnight talks with my dormmates, opening up, and crying together. These deepened our friendship and helped us become better people by helping one another in our personal concerns, etc. So many dramas unfolded throughout the year but we are always together, as a family, as lovely goofy friends I can have breakfast/ mostly dinner with, go to groceries, and just basically trust my heart and life with.

AUGUST - This is definitely the lowest I had ever been - it was the darkest, driest, and the most isolated portion of my trench and of course, I will never want anything worse. It was so terrible that I suddenly became "attracted" to blades --I really mentally do not want to hurt myself but it's like Aurora wherein my arms wanted to be cut and shed blood. I love knives and cutters and the dangers they pose but I had to keep them out of my sight during this predicament.

#1 I cannot disclose detailed information for the protection of those involved, but the incident here opened the key to protecting my dignity and the people I care about. I badly didn't want to lose this person I care about just because of some misunderstanding + the incident was so bad that I was so scared just to be around that person's peers -- despite being so scared, I still went there with my hands shaking and crying the entire event. But after this incident, I had a long talk which I never had with anyone else and can definitely say that after this it's like my entire anxiety and depression went away!

#2 I cannot remember why I'm crying about this person but yeah, I was crying about him. He was one of the 3 reasons why I cried so badly this August.

#3 Another one of my self-crisis but this time, through the mirror, I looked at myself in the eye and just felt the connection I never used to have but something I definitely needed. Seeing how far I am now from the person my younger self had expected her to be is also good for this is the same struggle I used to be very perplexed with and cannot comprehend. Now, I can finally understand other people better and not be insensitive so that we can work together at our best selves.

SEPTEMBER - OCTOBER - Him.

His very late replies and seemingly uninterested responses for the past few months scared me. I missed how we used to be especially now where I felt so unwanted and approaching him was already so difficult for me. I was afraid to talk to him - so afraid that I had to pray it all up first just to emotionally prepare myself and I kept postponing the next day (so it ran for several days at least. But I had been planning it for weeks but never did asap.) so when he responded so kindly but with a mere "Oh, that's just how it is", I was dumbfounded and dug in.

It took so much from me just to talk to him. As to how I said it, I was "physically and emotionally tired" at past midnight then so I really wanted to relieve myself of all of the burden I was feeling. It was a mixture of liberation and "WHAT AM I DOING? How can I face him again?" inside me and pity because of the sudden burdens he received but I trusted him. He's the person who first messaged me to ask how I am during a past predicament and that's the insert his name I know. I reckoned that by the morning, he would be too surprised to reply so I let him off the hook. I told God I'll give him more than a week and if he still won't respond, I won't be expecting any response anymore.

And that's what happened.

I cried, every day for about two weeks, holding onto the bond we used to have, holding onto the person I knew and admired and feeling sorry for myself for he cannot be that to me, wondering how can he not reply at all --- ANYTHING. Looking back, I find it funny how April and August were considered as my worst cry ever when during this predicament, it was everyday, for weeks! Even when I did not want to: i.e. just being inside a moving vehicle made me cry immediately like what the heck?!! I wanna travel in peace! It was until I grew tired of crying. I've had enough.

Then emerged the Bea who knows what she wants and how she wants to be treated. She doesn't want to take anymore b.s. and if she won't let herself tolerate more than what's tolerable anymore. This may not mean that I'd just go around chasin' and confronting people when they had done wrong but at least recognizing what's acceptable and what's not. Most importantly, this predicament helped me specify what I want my significant other to be.

END OF OCTOBER - EARLY NOVEMBER - Father.
I had a 4-hour conversation with a "brother" I never met in person. I realized by then how I never talk about my father before and during the moment I told him the perspective I long had, he shared me the perspective I never saw since I never opened up to anyone about it.

DECEMBER - Brother.
This isn't really a bawl and is rather a simple fallen tear but I believe it should be here because it's one of the greatest burdens I ever had. Now that it has finally resolved, I now have an actual brother and partially a father in terms of passing down wisdom and experiences. God knows how I searched for a family -most especially a brother- to those who aren't related to me by blood which is why I have a lot of "brothers" and now I have him!

2017 was the year I was emptied from all of my deepest burdens, and cried sooooo much that it cleansed me. I am looking forward to a better year ahead of me.

I am ocean who loves playing at the shallow shores.

BUILDING A GREENER FUTURE (an article)

This is my contribution to the book project called: "Building a Greener Future". Since some of my write-ups are posted in this blog, I decided to share this here as well:

Understanding the Roots of Destruction
by Beatrice Ann A. Dolores

The world is clearly experiencing the adverse effects of climate change as we know it. We have been witnessing intense typhoons, hurricanes, flooding, and even fires either caused or worsened by climate change and more than 97% of the climate scientists agree that this is caused by mankind. But are we going to condemn human race for these? Are we going to accept Richmond Valentine of the Kingsman: The Secret Service’s opinion that “mankind is the virus” and that “we're making our planet sick” as if we cannot turn the tide to use the amount of human resources we have for sustainable development? It’s easy to blame, but that won’t move us towards a better direction. Like a doctor curing a patient’s illness, we must examine the cause of what resulted this manmade climate change so that we can understand how to treat it. The cause can be summarized in two words but is unlikely very simple: “human nature”.

It is in our nature to prioritize ourselves before anything else just like how we cannot accommodate other people’s (especially stranger’s) personal problems when we have a lot of our own to deal with. Hundreds to thousands of years back, kingdoms and civilizations only care about their own kin. They were willing to kill other factions just to protect themselves, not considering that who they’re killing are humans just like them. Human greed bred colonization: lands of other people were conquered and resources were exploited for another country’s benefit. Nature is considered as merely an avenue where we can get everything we need. Ever since, the outlook was to destroy nature so that we can progress. A land full of abundant life down to its microorganisms is transformed for businesses, shelter solely for “our personal needs as mankind”. At a general overview, we did not regard those who aren’t our own kind as equals. We only cared for our own wellbeing – as an individual, as a race, and as a specie.

At this age of globalization, cities expand and the world is generally designed for humans, as if we are the only living beings in this planet. From the lush green landscapes we used to have, we built concrete civilizations where trees and animals barely exist. This design we grew up in (far from plants, not coexisting with animals) eventually led to inevitable disconnection with nature. Dirt is disgusting; seeing a tiny insect irrationally freaks us out. Our minds don’t even process whether that certain insect just needs to go to a certain place for its own survival. Our immediate reaction is to swat it to death, just like what basic instincts tell any living being when faced with an unfamiliar and apparent threat to one’s life. When we go to the woods, we cannot even tell what is safe to eat or what has medicinal value unless we have a strong background in that field of science. It’s sad that the price of being civilized is to be too disconnected from the chain of life which sustains us, to the point that even our instincts cannot recognize what’s safe and what’s a threat.

Wildlife cannot coexist with us and yet we are diminishing the spaces they live in. Animals cannot safely be in the same road as us due to hazardous reasons. We don’t even want them in our buildings as we are worried about the dirt and chaos they’ll bring. The idea of animals within our immediate surroundings and coexisting with them seems unnatural to us. We regard them as the lesser beings: they belong to the zoo, in aquariums, as pets – caged and without freedom. Even in our laws, killing a person has more stringent punishments than killing trees and animals. Those which were locked up for circus and zoos their entire life for the benefit of mankind’s entertainment have all the right to desire freedom but when they escape, they’re a threat to society and are required to be hunted down (I would like to remind you of the circus elephant named Tyke from Hawaii, who was shot 86 times while her eyes show great disbelief from the turn of events). We do not regard other living beings (including the trees) as our cohabitants when we all live and die just like them.

What devastates our planet is cheaper and was predominantly selected to be in the grid. Fossil fuel is cheaper because we don’t consider its destructive effects on its pricing. It has been the staple source of electricity since the Industrial Revolution that engines (from family vehicles to cargo ships and airplanes) are designed to accommodate it, and resistance from what’s familiar slows down the shift to renewable energy. The same goes with single-use packaging and plastics. Since plastics are made from fossil fuels, they’re also cheaper. Corporations and the general public patronize the idea of convenience and immediate consumption whilst mindlessly throwing away what’s non-beneficial to them. So, the products which we grew up accustomed with are usually wrapped in plastics/ cartons/ styrofoams, and saying that not patronizing products which are in single-use packagings is hard since it also means letting go of the product itself which you loved and trusted your entire life (i.e. chips, chocolate cookies, pen, shampoo, soap, cosmetics, and even medicine).

Convenience, lack of accountability, and the rise of non-compostable materials turned our oceans and atmosphere into open sewers. Oceans all over the world have garbage patches while our thin atmosphere is concentrated with greenhouse gases. Carbon emissions both absorbed by the ocean waters and atmosphere wreck Earth’s balance. All these devastations are results of what’s deeply embedded within our system - as global economy: in manufacturing, transaction and consumption; and in our human nature. To solve the problem, we must go against our conditioned nature and use technology towards the side of sustainable and ecologically-inclusive growth. Policies towards ecological justice should be stronger, everybody should be held accountable of their carbon footprint, and awareness must spread at a greater scale.

P.S. : I'm aware that this article needs a lot of editing. I'm frustrated with it.

I cried my worst cry of my life...yet.

A cry carrying all of my pain, disappointments, mockery, unfair treatment, especially to those whom I wanted to seek their love, affection, and acceptance. It hurts so bad, I'm crying terribly nonstop.

I don't even need to enumerate everything because most likely I'll miss much and I do my best to bottle each of them up in my ocean, scattered around there and I'd rather not pick them up to collect them because I know I won't be able to take it---physically. I already had the history of palpitations during immense anger, disappointments, and sadness so I'd rather not take the risk.

I sympathize suicidal people more than ever, to have one final pain to end it all.
I feel so sad for them, and they will never lose my respect.
I am happy I have something which keeps me going, so I will never take that direction but I WILL NEVER JUDGE SOMEONE WHO COMMITTED SUICIDE, and will do my best not to let more suicides to happen in the future, especially if it's really something I can control. But the truth is, these individuals want help from their own selected people. From the people they care about. From the people they wish care for them. Others won't be as effective as these "chosen ones".

I rarely cry. SERIOUSLY. So crying terribly and unstoppable was so surprising for me.

"Life is complicated. Control is an illusion."

..I seek for your comfort, and yet I didn't receive it. I provided you mine and my concern, but I received none. You're someone I trusted with my vulnerabilities - the innermost portion I never dared to share to anybody else, and yet I felt taken for granted.

"It’s not cool to give your money to the poor or tithe to a church. Noble maybe, but what’s cooler is to keep your money, buy the Nintendo Switch, a vacation, and some new clothes. It’s not cool to wait to engage in intimate relationships until you’re married because you trust it will enrich your marriage. What’s cool is hooking up. It’s not cool that you didn’t get all crazy at the bar with your friends and end up taking your shirt off. What’s cool is getting hammered, making out with a random stranger, and then re-telling the story on Instagram."

According to "Let's Stop Pretending Christianity is Actually Relevant, Okay?"

Have a large threshold for pain

So that you may be able to accept greater failures, disappointments, and criticisms ahead. It will help you keep going and thrive for success. It can even help you find a new angle in approaching your work. In the end, it will make you finish everything you want to accomplish.

Whatever it is you have in mind, you will accomplish it.

I have been curious about Elon Musk for months already and told myself that I will research about him. It was only recently when I actually watched videos (because I learn more that way) and read articles about him. Now, I post things related to him every day! I appear as if I'm a fangirl or obsessed, but upon recognizing that it took me months before I found my answers, then instead of downgrading myself, I held on strongly to the message of my blog title.

I have accepted patience as a virtue I must cherish. I had never been let down by life itself, despite lacking patience. Most of the things I have now are what I only longed years before, although I didn't really aim for them, but life just gave them to me.

It was a development. Early in my college days, I wrote this:

I'm surprised! I totally forgot I had that phase. Now, I can say that I'm pretty friendly. I get along with people, and I'm even a Director for Partnerships and Public Relations of an international climate education project! At first, things unfolded without me concerning about my relational issues daily. Maybe since it was in my heart all along, it was something I prayed before, then I attracted it (Laws of Attraction).

The same goes with being an advocate. It was 2-3 years ago when I first watched An Inconvenient Truth and since then, I wanted to become part of their movement. Look at me now! It's been over a year when I started to become a legitimate part of the advocacy. I'm thankful and eager to contribute to significant changes (yes, PLURAL) on this planet. As motivation, here goes my blog title again.

So I'm keeping my faith in myself, and of course in our Creator. Every single circumstance I have right now which needs working will surely be okay in the future. Just be patient, and love.

Convenience and comfortability

Convenience but to what expense? Environmental degradation, scarcity of our resources, putting millions of lives at risk from calamities and immense discomfort from the urban heat island effect due to bad urban planning, too much concrete roads and infrastructures with minimal vegetation.

Often times, we neglect all of these because we only care about ourselves and our so-called "comfort". As long as things are easy for us, we don't care about anything else. :'( 💔

10 years of Earth Hour special

I went out of our house to cherish God’s wonders at night during Earth Hour. The cold winds, the starry night, the song of the insects, and the silence of the plants – they made me realize that we have so much beauty in the world already but we chose to separate ourselves from it with the “comforts of our home”. It is so lovely to caress nature’s beauty, especially at night to the point that we don’t need to stay indoors to watch television, turn on the lights and the A/C or fans to be comforted or to be entertained. There are so much to explore every single day in the circle of life if we only bothered to care. There are so much in this world (which we disconnected ourselves) left to be discovered, and yet we chose those rectangular boxes of light showing pictures and videos “for entertainment”.

Try to go out, especially at night, and only feel the entirety of nature coming onto you. Overwhelm yourself with its greatness, with its marvelous beauty and complexity, and how much “science” it took to explain even the simplest thing in it. Our natural environment is worth your attention because it is LIFE itself.

Less Facebook Usage Challenge with Mirza

I'm challenged to lessen my Facebook usage by spending the time I use for fb on different things like studying, researching and working. Mirza should be using his extra time to exercise.

Did you miss me?

I had been inactive in this blog for years.

A lot has changed and how I wished I blogged it all while I was going through:

• Spiritual mentorship
• Valentine's Debut celebration of my niece
• Experiencing Pope Francis in the Philippines
• New-found friends and squad + my struggles with them
• Most celebrated birthday (19th)
• My separations from my best friend, "sister" cashier lady, and mentor: The people who helped me through college
• Advocacy life: Ups and downs, several trials and studying
• Separations from other dormmates and having new ones who are artists
• Dealing with house renovations - professionally
• Schizophrenic attacks of my sister and how I handled the situation as an adult
• Struggles in school
• Meeting someone who's freakishly like my other half in terms of how similar our interests are
• Having more girls in the squad + how they stay in my room because Wi-Fi (32mbps)
• Diagnosed with depression
• Lone adventures
• Opportunities
• Turning point

I definitely missed blogging. Every time, at the back of my mind, especially when I'm out, I have a blog in my head. If only it can automatically update this blog without me opening my laptop and typing it, that'd be great because whenever I'm out, I'm lost in thoughts and I feel so alive with my creative juices and hopeless romanticism (which I don't like publicizing - this is the first) that I wish I can input with a laptop but bring laptops while outside is inconvenient. I like how the typing feels like in the keyboard so I rarely blog through my phone.

That's all for now. I would like to talk about my "Turning Point" but it's 1:30am now and I can feel my body failing to function already except my hands. My brain wants to rest as well.

Young Sustainable Impact 2018

I'm a bit bitter that I'm not yet eligible for any opportunities this year, and then this one is something I can participate in IF I KNEW ABOUT IT EARLIER so I'm fired up to try applying next year.

Link for the past event here.